Giving Yourself Permission


Choosing to Give Yourself Permission


Welcome to my new blog, which I am calling “Permissionary” for reasons that will become obvious later. I hope to make this blog a permanent (as permanent as life should permit) fixture of the blogosphere, discussing topics ranging from politics (yecch!) to philosophy to music to the best way to make a good mac and cheese.

So, why permissionary? I have a very hard time giving myself permission for almost everything. 

Since late 2014, when the love of my life, the light of my life, Susan, walked off this mortal coil, I have consistently failed to give myself permission to live. Rather I have occupied a space somewhere between life and death. A wonderful song written by Canadian songwriter Bruce Cockburn says it best:

Sunset is an angel weeping
Holding out a bloody sword
No matter how I squint I cannot
Make out what it's pointing toward
Sometimes you feel like you've lived too long
Days drip slowly on the page
You catch yourself
Pacing the cage

“Pacing the Cage” by Bruce Cockburn.

I am extremely grateful to my amazing daughter-in-law Juliet, who gently and obliquely pointed this out to me during my recent Christmas visit. She alluded to my lack of “will to live” and during my subsequent ten-hour drive home to Michigan I thought about it at length. Driving is my best think time, and this trip afforded me the opportunity to reflect on the last 4 years of my life.

I was forced to admit that I have let myself go physically, mentally and emotionally. Spouting platitudes that I only half-believed, making believe that I was way happier and healthier than I really was.  Hoping in my darkest of moments for the massive heart attack that would relieve me of this existence. There was very essential truth in what my daughter-in-law said. And what my grief group friends said. And what my other friends and family said.

But what I was unwilling to do, it seems, is to give myself permission to LIVE. The best I could do was EXIST. And there is a massive difference. I could continue, as I have my entire life, taking care of my customers, trying never to be a bother to anyone, and so forth. So, would Susan approve of this ‘existence’? I do not think so.

It is often easier to hide from yourself than to open up and let in the light. I am guilty as charged. And the sad part of that is that it is very hard to be a source of light (as I truly wish to be), when no light is allowed to enter.

So, what is to be done?

A great deal, it would seem. The first step, I think, is to admit what I have admitted. The next is to give myself permission to rejoin the land of the living and depart the negative space. My wise and beautiful wife used to say that it was impossible to care for others if I did not care for myself. She was (as usual) right.  I am giving myself permission to take care of myself.

Over the next days and weeks, I will try to create specific intentions that will implement this new permission. And to whatever extent possible, I will share this journey with you.

I am blessed with friends, family, customers and others who care about me. They have been with me throughout by grief journey, health issues and such. I owe it to them, as well as myself, to be the best and most alive Matt I can be.

And so, I shall.

MPC
12-30-2018
  








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